I Hate My Phone and I Hate You for Telling Me to Get Off It
I hate my phone. It’s become an extension of me. It’s sunk its claws into my mind. I know it’s bad for me, I know it doesn’t make me feel good, I know, I know, I know. But it’s easy. It makes me feel like I’m doing something, it makes me feel like I’m connected, it makes me feel up to date it, it makes me feel busy. Like I just don’t have any time and if only I did have more time, then I’d be able to accomplish everything I want in life.
I put it down and I pick it up. I watch one more video before doing something that would actually change my life for the better, that video turns into 10. Then I feel guilty, guilty that I wasted my time. I manage to spend a little bit of time actually doing something positive and productive, and what do I do? Reward myself with my phone. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
I wouldn’t call it mindless scrolling, I know exactly what I’m doing. Maybe avoidant scrolling is a more apt description. I scroll and scroll and avoid doing things that would be difficult. Things that might actually get me somewhere in life, that might actually make me happier, because looking at my phone is easier. It’s easier to give in, to distract myself, to watch another video, to get angry at some rage bait, to become dismayed with society through a screen and exclaim “we’re fucked, I give up” and keep scrolling. Like a pacifier for my mind, only it leaves me feeling more stressed, angry, and wracked with guilt.
I hate the people who come online exclaiming that they deleted social media, they made a dumb phone, they broke their phone addiction and here’s how to do it! Stay on your phone and listen to me! I’ll tell you the secret if you watch all my videos and follow me on all platforms. I thought they deleted it and they were so much happier? So why are they back? Why are they asking me to stay on my phone to watch them? I suspect they had fomo, thought they could come back and control themselves. I imagine they’ll fall right back down the rabbit hole eventually, probably when they go viral for their tips and tricks and their sweet notification center starts lighting up their phone. Luring them back in. If it was truly a success, they’d never come back.
I miss my pink Motorola Razr that didn’t contain the whole universe and their opinion. I miss being scared when I accidentally clicked the internet button on it and had to slam the cancel button quickly to avoid charges. I miss texting taking forever because I had to click through each number to get to the right letter. I miss slamming my phone shut and forgetting about it.
One day, when I’m either successful or have given up on being successful because the phone melted my brain, I will throw my phone into the sea and never look back. And I promise you I won’t come back and tell you how to do it. I’ll just be gone.
